Father and Toddlers Groups that don’t run…and the backup plan!!

I was really looking forward to today. Tania had found myself and little Jenson a fathers and toddlers group that we could attend. I was looking forward to meeting the other fathers and really just being there to learn new skills and perhaps just put the world to rights. Myself and Jenson set off up the hill and noticed we where a bit early (See already getting Jenson into good habits!!) I decided that we would have a look around the area and see what we could find. After a short walk we found “Lion Wood” we both ventured in and Jenson was fasinated my the mist that was coming from the bracken that was being gently heated by the morning sun.

It was approaching 10.30 so we decided to head back round the corner to see if the Father and Toddlers Group was now open, sadly it wasn’t. So I decided to go with Plan B. The area of Norwich that we live in is near to the Tidal River Wensum, so I decided to grab some bread (Old hot cross buns as it happens) and take Jenson for his first proper trip to the river, to feed the ducks. When we got there we sat down next to the river. I moved Jenson’s buggy so that it was pointing away from the sun. We just spent some time there looking at first. Jenson seemed fascinated by the Seagulls and almost jumped out of his buggy when he spotted the two swans.

Eventually I figured that it would be nice to free him from the confines of his buggy so that he could get a better look at his wonderful surroundings. We began feeding the ducks, but to be honest the seagulls got in the way. I saw Jenson’s eyes focus on something across the river and looked to see what he had spotted…it was a rather fat looking wood-pigeon taking a bath!!

After a while I could see that Jenson was getting sleepy and I decided to take him back home. I was nice to know that we didn’t need anything “Official” to enjoy some quality time together…just some old hot cross buns and a packet of crutons….Sorry Mummy!! I will try to find out what/when the Fathers Group is…but for know I think we will make the visit to the river a regular Saturday thing!!

Please stop telling me what I can and can’t do!!

Sorry if the title of this post sounds like something that a moody teenager might mutter to his parents but I really  am fed up of total strangers attacking me with their opinions. Today was a good day until I was attacked verbally by an OAP for smoking too near to the bus stop. I retorted that “I will bloody well smoke where I like” and thanked her to keep her opinions to her self. I have never met this woman in my life and judging by her “I’m middle class and you are scum” attitude I would never want to meet her. If that sort of incident would have happened in south london someone would have shot her for not minding her own business.

I have nothing against Norfolk at all ( I would have not come here to escape homelessness and my addiction to drugs and alcohol If I did) but why the hell do the OAP’s here think they can go around judging people? I have seen it happen to Tania as well. You just have to walk down St Steven’s Street in the City to see that they think they own the bloody place.

The amount of sneers and looks of disgust we get from the over sixties when we have the ordacity to want to take little Jenson on the bus in his pram. What are they so bitter about, it can’t be their pensions (after all they where the one’s that voted Thatcher in)…twit’s

It was however heart warming when another older woman stopped to see if Tania and Jenson where ok, and to tell us a few opinions of her’s. She pointed out that the person that had ” attacked” me may need to look a little closer to home before she judged other people…actually I am being to nice…what she actually said is that she could do with losing a few pounds and learning to mind her own business.

It’s funny because as she said that I took another look at my “attacker” …thick foundation…blood shot eyes…slight case of the shakes…me thinks she may have a problem a bit deeper than her weight…a problem that (unlike her) I have confronted. Maybe that maybe the answer to why they are all so bitter…they all have the DT’s

The Fear of Being Judged

I have been thinking a lot recently about where our lives are going and what we need to do in order to reach our goals. One of my main goals is to find employment. I have taken steps towards this goal this week and I am feeling good about it.

I started to think some more about what really drives me to do things and the conclusion that I reached was not really a good one (for me). Back when I first started drinking heavily I was working for my Father. I had a huge fear of letting my Father down as he had way too much control over my life, If I lost my Job I would lose my flat and no one else would ever employ me because I drank too much. The breaker was the fact that I drank in order to forget that my father had so much control over my life and to forget the fact that I was so depressed with the situation that I was in. Everything I did was driven by the fact that I wanted to please him. If I pleased him then he would leave me alone.

I still have a partial problem with this type of behaviour, I still find that I will behave a certain way or act a certain way or even say certain things in order to please people. The reason I do this is that (I believe) due to my experience with my father…I’m scared witless of being judged by other people. I need to learn to be able to do things that please me and in return please my family…If people want to judge me on that then that’s their business…just don’t involve me. Easier said than done, but writing it down like this may be the first step in me actually doing something about it.