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The Fear of Being Judged

I have been thinking a lot recently about where our lives are going and what we need to do in order to reach our goals. One of my main goals is to find employment. I have taken steps towards this goal this week and I am feeling good about it.

I started to think some more about what really drives me to do things and the conclusion that I reached was not really a good one (for me). Back when I first started drinking heavily I was working for my Father. I had a huge fear of letting my Father down as he had way too much control over my life, If I lost my Job I would lose my flat and no one else would ever employ me because I drank too much. The breaker was the fact that I drank in order to forget that my father had so much control over my life and to forget the fact that I was so depressed with the situation that I was in. Everything I did was driven by the fact that I wanted to please him. If I pleased him then he would leave me alone.

I still have a partial problem with this type of behaviour, I still find that I will behave a certain way or act a certain way or even say certain things in order to please people. The reason I do this is that (I believe) due to my experience with my father…I’m scared witless of being judged by other people. I need to learn to be able to do things that please me and in return please my family…If people want to judge me on that then that’s their business…just don’t involve me. Easier said than done, but writing it down like this may be the first step in me actually doing something about it.

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