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Strange Days

It has been an odd week. I think I have written before about my and Tania’s need to do things on impulse. This “impulse need” is a well thought out one though…I know that’s an oxymoron but then again I am a walking oxymoron…I am a recovering alcoholic!!

This week we decided to fullfill another one of our family dreams, we managed to find a Staffy pup that needed a home. Tai is a wonderful dog and represents everything that a Staffy should be. He’s Warm, Loving, Couragous and loyally obedient.

Having two cats in the house we wanted a dog that was at least “Moggy Aware” and Tai is. I tried to indroduce Tigz – our oldest cat – to Tai and it all went wrong. Tigz over reacted and used my face and head as an escape route. Tigz is a big tom cat and as a result I was left dripping with blood from at least ten pretty nasty puncture wounds on my face and head.

As I bowed down after realising that I had been hurt…I could see drops of blood forming on the kitchen floor below me, it felt like I had been transported back in time….back to my days on the street….back to regular scraps with anyone who “offended” me.

I have never mentioned it before but I have a recurring nightmare. The nightmare is that I will wake up in some god forsaken multi story carpark with cardboard beneath me and a bottle of vodka next to me, only to realise that Tania, Jenson, Jake….freedom from this fucking illness was all just a dream.

I know this all sounds very “poor me” and I have to stress at this point that this is NOT the way that this post is intended.

I think on reflection that this whole thing has just knocked me for six. The act of being hurt by a defenceless animal does not bother me. In fact I don’t blame Tigz at all. It’s just the thoughts and memories that the incident has sparked off in my alcohol ruined mind that have messed me up.

I am due to start a new job next week and this on it’s own is driving me mad…well the job isn’t, it’s just my head is…What if we don’t have enough money? Is Tania going to be alright when I am at work? Is Jenson going to miss me?…..is the sodding sun going to bother coming up tomorrow? I mean for christ’s sake get a grip!!

I have over a years clean time under my belt, but still this crazy head of mine (one of the reasons that I used to drink in the first place) still manages to get to me. I don’t mind an enemy that I can fight…but in this case the enemy is ….me?

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