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Illness in Recovery…Again!!

Well life has been tough but ok for the Lock family for a while know. I think Tania will agree with me that we both seem to take three steps forward only to have some outside body take us one step backward! But who am I kidding we live in England and I guess this is the same for any family, in recovery or otherwise.

Work has been going OK, I have managed to gel with the team that I work with…and what a team. I can honestly say that I have never worked with such a nice, dedicated, interesting bunch of people.

Last Thursday I made my way to work as usual but had to return home after being ill. I put it down to being under pressure to find a new job (My ILM contract runs out soon) and just the pressures of being able to support my family unit. We have fought like crazy to get our Working Tax Credit and just the thought of having to go back onto any form of Benefits fills me with dread and feelings of total low self-worth.

It turns out that I have a viral infection, and as if that where not bad enough Tania has now come down with it. For both of us Illness brings different but similar emotions. Having the flu presents very similar symptoms to the mild DT’s that all us addicts used to put up with in the morning until we found our first fix…be it either Drink or Drugs. In a way I feel cheated…I have been through early recovery…I have moved forward with my life….why must  feel like this again!

On another level I feel that being Ill brings out my selfish side, just as the drink and drugs did. I have to fight twice as hard with my head to push myself to be motivated etc. I also have feelings of guilt when I do start to feel a little better at about mid morning…although these feelings subside quickly when I start feeling like death warmed up come mid afternoon.

I guess my point is that Illness in recovery can be a stumbling block for anyone. I am about two years since I last touched a drink but my head is still telling me that a bottle of JD would be the best solution for my feelings at this point. However my heart is telling me that my head should shut up and it should stop moaning….right here right now you are in a loving relationship with two wonderful children, everyone in that family needs your love and support….what they don’t need and what I don’t need to listen to is my alcoholic head!! Would I take a drink? No way!! Do I want to talk about my emotions and fellings? Yes way!!

Demontek

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