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Memories From a fading Room

It’s been a great month for both myself and Tania. We finally tied the knot and are now Mr and Mrs Lock. We decided to pop down to Great Yarmouth as we had not been this season for a day out. Jenson got to see daddy fly a kite (badly) and it was nice for myself and Tania to spend some time together.

I have always found myself attached to the middle Jetty on the pleasure beach. When I was younger we spent two years in a row on holiday at Great Yarmouth and I spent most of my time fishing from the Jetty. Even back then my head was full of unanswered questions and I knew that I was living my life with a great big hole running through the middle.

Memories from a fading room

As time progressed my memories of the fun that I had in those years, alone on the middle jetty at Great Yarmouth faded. I discovered Drugs and Alcohol and along with this new-found friendship I discovered that they helped fill the gaping hole in my life.

It was only after many years of suffering from and at the hands of addiction that I would find myself back at the middle Jetty at Great Yarmouth. The Jetty itself could quite easily represent my earlier life. It has been closed of and is gradually collapsing from years of neglect.

This time it feels different though, the gaping hole in my life has been healed. This time I have my Wife and one of my sons beside me. Who would have thought all those years ago while staring out at the North Sea worrying about what I would become….the answer was right behind me……just 23 years in the future.

To my family, I love you.

To the middle Jetty at Great Yarmouth, Hello again old friend.

And to the homeless guy from Liverpool that I met all those years ago while I was fishing, I hope you are safe; and I hope you managed to plug the hole in your life…..like we talked about.

Demontek

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Thanks for a great fathers day!!

Just a very quick post to say thanks to my wonderful wife to be and my two smashing lads for a great Fathers Day. To Jake and Jenson I would like to say thanks for the prezzies, I loved them. To Tania I would like to say…..10 weeks to go babes xxxxx

Onwards and Upwards….and Tory idiots!!

Well here I am, I have just had the best birthday that I can remember. I am now 36 going on 16 and the (very) proud father of two wonderful lads. I have the best companion, wife, lover that I could ever ask for….infact (and strictly between you and me) I don’t think I deserve her. But then all us addicts think like that….don’t we?

Life for myself and Tania has never been easy. Don’t get me wrong we have had our good times, and the memories that we have picked up along the way have been incredible and there will be a million more to look forward to. Both myself and Tania have been talking a lot recently about relapse (or the fear of it) we don’t shy away from talking about such subjects, relapse or lapse is not a dirty word in this household. In fact I would go as far as to say that we even have some basic contingency plans in place should the worse happen.

I can still remember the last time that I lapsed, it was just after I had discovered that Tania was pregnant with Jenson. I have had plenty of time to analyse and forensically examine why I took a nosedive into a bottle. It all boiled down to self-doubt with me. This inherent self-doubt (at the time) was being lovingly nurtured by my own mother and as with all things, if you are told that you won’t be able to do something so many times, you begin to believe it yourself.

Well for the doubters out there (and I include myself in that group)….you where wrong!! I think I am a pretty good father and a good husband. I work hard and I love sober life, not that I am trying to justify myself…I really don’t feel the need to justify myself to anyone….apart from myself and wife and children anyway.

I went fishing with a good mate the other day, we decided to jump in his car and head over to Hellesdon Mill for a couple of hours. When I say mate I should really say Dad, I see Mick as a Father figure in my life. I actually call him Dad as a mark of respect (maybe it’s a South London thing!!). We had decided to have a short break and a natter over a shard cup of Mick’s finest black coffee. I could see a man approaching with what looked like a spaniel dog. I quickly glanced around to make sure there was no line or bait lying around should the dog pay our gear any more than a glancing interest. I smiled at the man as he approached “Cold isn’t it” He said “You two would be better off in the warm looking for jobs I think” one glance at Mick and I could literally see his face turn red with rage from his chin to his forehead, he was glowing like a red stop light on a wet night “I have a perfectly good job THANK YOU” I retorted through gritted teeth.

It wasn’t what he said that hurt me, it was the fact that he felt the need to say it. He knows nothing about my personal situation and yet he decides to judge me. Granted it was Thursday afternoon and not a weekend but some of us do take time out from work you know. It was the fact that he saw two guys next to a river on a Thursday afternoon, they must be up to no good? better tell them to get a job….what a prat. I know that I should not use stereo types, but seeing how he stereo typed myself and my dad I am going to…this guy had a mustache and a Barbour jacket along with a spaniel, he’s idea of sport was probably taking a shotgun out and killing half the countryside….he really dressed the part everything about him described what is wrong with this country right here right now….he looked like and behaved like a bigoted, nasty, tory fuck up who for some reason had decided to appoint himself “critic of society”.

Anyway bringing the stereotyping to and end, neither myself or dad let this spoil a nice bit of time spent together. We exchanged views on which of his orifices’ we would stuff his spaniel into while laughing on our way back to the car!!

Be safe, be cool…..and goodnight Britain….wherever you are…….

Should I stay or should I go…

Sometimes in recovery and life in general we are all faced with choices. I too am not immune to these choices. No matter how well we think we plan things, they never turn out as we would imagine. I have been working for one organisation for a while now and I have grown to really like my work colleagues. I have an interview pending with this organisation that could see my job role change and a new contract for another 6 months if the interview goes well and they want me.

I have been for an interview with another organisation and have been offered a job. The organisation is much smaller than the one that I am working for at the moment and naturally I don’t know the people I will be working with.

I think deep down I have been wanting to extend my time in my current situation because I have grown accustomed to the people I work with and the practices and work flow within the organisation, even though I do not enjoy my work there.

I guess in this respect my thinking is no different to my past Alcoholic thinking. I don’t like it but I will keep doing it anyway because I know where I am with it. This type of thinking is destructive and not helpful and in my humble opinion comes as a result of being afraid of change. I would like to thank my better half Tania for pointing this out to me in a round about way.

I have come to the conclusion that the new job that I have been offered will be good for me on a number of levels. Firstly it will get me to challenge my “Fear of Change” and secondly I am actually looking forward to working there!!  

Should I stay?…..Nope….. I’m outta here!!

Illness in Recovery…Again!!

Well life has been tough but ok for the Lock family for a while know. I think Tania will agree with me that we both seem to take three steps forward only to have some outside body take us one step backward! But who am I kidding we live in England and I guess this is the same for any family, in recovery or otherwise.

Work has been going OK, I have managed to gel with the team that I work with…and what a team. I can honestly say that I have never worked with such a nice, dedicated, interesting bunch of people.

Last Thursday I made my way to work as usual but had to return home after being ill. I put it down to being under pressure to find a new job (My ILM contract runs out soon) and just the pressures of being able to support my family unit. We have fought like crazy to get our Working Tax Credit and just the thought of having to go back onto any form of Benefits fills me with dread and feelings of total low self-worth.

It turns out that I have a viral infection, and as if that where not bad enough Tania has now come down with it. For both of us Illness brings different but similar emotions. Having the flu presents very similar symptoms to the mild DT’s that all us addicts used to put up with in the morning until we found our first fix…be it either Drink or Drugs. In a way I feel cheated…I have been through early recovery…I have moved forward with my life….why must  feel like this again!

On another level I feel that being Ill brings out my selfish side, just as the drink and drugs did. I have to fight twice as hard with my head to push myself to be motivated etc. I also have feelings of guilt when I do start to feel a little better at about mid morning…although these feelings subside quickly when I start feeling like death warmed up come mid afternoon.

I guess my point is that Illness in recovery can be a stumbling block for anyone. I am about two years since I last touched a drink but my head is still telling me that a bottle of JD would be the best solution for my feelings at this point. However my heart is telling me that my head should shut up and it should stop moaning….right here right now you are in a loving relationship with two wonderful children, everyone in that family needs your love and support….what they don’t need and what I don’t need to listen to is my alcoholic head!! Would I take a drink? No way!! Do I want to talk about my emotions and fellings? Yes way!!

Demontek

When the past is not the past?

As most of you who read my blog will know I relocated some two years back from South London to Norfolk. This move was the best thing that I have ever done. Not only did I find my wonderful partner Tania but I realised what that hole in my own soul was and discovered what it meant to be a part of a family.

When we first got together we made an unspoken point of telling each other about our pasts. Two people who constantly featured in these conversations on my part where Debbie and Nigel.

We finally made contact via Facebook and last weekend Debs and Ni came up to visit us at our new family home.

Tania and Debs hit it off straight away and I could not believe that I had not seen them for so long, yet it felt so right they had this natural place in my our lives that just should have been. Like a fool I had been putting this reunion off in my own head because it would mean dealing with something from my past. I know now that I was foolish to think this way as Debs and Ni are nothing to do with the past or future they are an intrinsic part of my life period.

To cut a long story short Debbie and Nigel supported me hugely when I was in the thick of my addiction. They gave me shelter when others wouldn’t and showed that they cared when others had given up. I look towards them as my adopted Mother and Father but more importantly as friends. They taught me the family values that I hold so dear now. I cried inside when they had to leave and make their way back to Surrey…good news is that they will be visiting us again soon with Charlie (possibly) and maybe even Emily (If she can bear to be parted with Zeus for a weekend!)

Me, Debs and Ni

Debs and Tania....Sisters?????

I would just like to say a massive thank you to both Debbie and Nigel for coming all this way to see us. We both had a fantastic weekend and really enjoyed your wonderful company. Thank you so much guys!!

Ade and Tania

xx

Picnics and Pike!!

Well I am back!! I can’t really decide what category I should put this post under…so I will just keep writing and see where I end up. Yesterday (Sunday) was the usual kind of Sunday for the Lock family. Jake had decided to come over and as per usual (despite all our hard work) we where skint, broke etc.

I asked Tania if she fancied going to the Meadow for an ad hoc picnic. We could take Jake and Jenson and give Tai a good run around too. I would take a Lure Fishing Rod and a couple of lures and try my chances on the River Wensum that runs next to the meadow. Tania agreed and we decided that we would make a move as soon as Jake arrived. Tania prepared a small feast and when Jake arrived we set of. The Meadow is just across the road from us, we are just on the outskirts of Norwich and to be honest we are spoilt having the Meadow and the wonderful River Wensum so near to us. To top all this off we have Wensum Park just up the road too!

We arrived and I set about fishing. I chose a small Toby Lure and began working some likely looking swims. After a while I went back to my family and fished a little closer to where they were sitting. It was great listening to Jake and his Mum just talking about all sorts of random stuff. Jake was playing with Jenson and even Tai was getting he’s mangy tennis ball thrown for him every now and again.

I have bored Tania silly with telling her how much I adore the Pike as a species. Tania has seen the pictures in the mags and even saw one of my heroes (John Wilson) catch a Pike from one of the broads that she knows on TV. I really wanted to show her and the rest of the family what a stunning fish the Pike is.  On Saturday I managed to hook a nice Jack Pike while I was bait fishing for Chub…this reminded me that my favourite type of Angling was Pike Fishing and no matter what happens or where I move we always seem to cross paths.

Tania and Jake had decided to pop over to the shops to stock up on crisps and other (cheap) bits and bobs. I spent the time in the company of my youngest son Jenson having farting competitions…I know this sounds really rude but what I mean by farting was blowing raspberries with our mouths. Jenson seems to have adopted this as a primary form of communication at the moment!!

Jake and Tania returned and I was making noises about moving down river towards a bridge to “have a chuck” there. Tania and Jake didn’t really seem up for it, so I decided that I would give it a go another day. I decided to give a swim near to where we were another go. I think it was about the second or third cast that I hit gold. I was working a favourite lure of mine upstream along by some reeds on the near back when she hit. I saw the Pike hit the bait in the gin clear water…she then proceeded to head straight for the streamer weeds…when she got there she buried her self in them. “I’m in babes” I half shouted back to the family. Tania, Jake and Jenson rushed over to see me seemingly attached to the river bed. Past experience has tought me just to keep the pressure up and eventually she will move…I felt her nod her head a couple of times in anger…one quick heave and I was fighting her in open water…it seemed like only a few seconds and I was wading down a small crevice so that I could land her.

What a great day, I got to spend time with my family and introduced them to a constant in my life since I was a teenager…good old Esox.

Incase you are wondering Tania does not find Pike “beautifull” even after meeting (and touching) one!! I will have to work on this 🙂

Wensum Jack

Wensum Jack... Big or Small... I love em!!

Demontek